No, I don’t dare....

I don't dare think about how nice it would be to have my mom standing next to me when Jack gets out of school and how delighted she'd be at how funny and handsome he is...

I don't dare even imagine my mom coming to stay with us in the improvised guest room in the attic where I'd put fresh flowers in a vase for her, pictures of us all together laughing, laying out clean towels and a little chocolates for her to enjoy.

I don't dare imagine her glee while perusing gifts for her grandchildren and then having lunch with me and giggling over something inane or puzzling while we picked at each other's food.

I don't dare imagine what life would be like if she were in my life today and tomorrow because it's never going to be that way but sometimes, when I'm still in my bathrobe and have wet hair, I lie under my covers for warmth and the wishes creep in anyway.

There I am, curled up next to my purring cat, looking into her deep eyes and watching myself weep.