No, I don’t dare....

I don't dare think about how nice it would be to have my mom standing next to me when Jack gets out of school and how delighted she'd be at how funny and handsome he is...

I don't dare even imagine my mom coming to stay with us in the improvised guest room in the attic where I'd put fresh flowers in a vase for her, pictures of us all together laughing, laying out clean towels and a little chocolates for her to enjoy.

I don't dare imagine her glee while perusing gifts for her grandchildren and then having lunch with me and giggling over something inane or puzzling while we picked at each other's food.

I don't dare imagine what life would be like if she were in my life today and tomorrow because it's never going to be that way but sometimes, when I'm still in my bathrobe and have wet hair, I lie under my covers for warmth and the wishes creep in anyway.

There I am, curled up next to my purring cat, looking into her deep eyes and watching myself weep.

Segovia

On the cobbled streets of Segovia
Ancient arches connect us
To courtyards and bread
From red potted flowers
To thick, frothy chocolate leche
Fried mushrooms and dreams.

Beyond I see the aqueduct
Roma reaching into our time
Held together by keystones
High over this storied city.

Teens in scarves smoking hashish
Scarved grandmas with thick ankles
Pushing carts full of food
Into the evening sun.

Red

Predatory animals
Have no prejudice
That guy's not white
That girl's not black
Diane, she's not....yellow.

Inside, all those people
They're red
And delicious.

Hush, Hush

Oooh baby,
Hush, hush.
Hear a river swoosh.
See the branch sway.
Marvel at the bird in flight.
Be in awe.
Plant your hopes.
Water the future.
It's gonna be okay, baby.
The world is in you.
The world IS you.

There is Hope Yet

My darling, do not fret.
I know you cry in the night.
I know you cry in the day too.
You feel so alone, even so loved as you are.
There is hope for you, yet.
Even now, it grows in the dark soil.
You cannot see it but the sprout reaches upward.
Despite any condition, hope grows.
If you are still, you can hear its song.
You can feel its dance in your heart.
Around sorrow, hope dances with arms outward.
You see, dear, you deserve happiness.
Hope knows what is best.
Hope will never let you down.
Life is not out to get you though it seems this way.
Life is a partner of hope.
I know it hurts to grow.
Hope knows this too.
Hope knows your pain.
Hope understands.
This is why hope loves you so.
Will you love hope back?
Will you water your hope?

Jack says...

"Mommy, you're not a little girl any more. I need to give you some energy to make you little again so you can do more stuff at the playground. Maybe we can buy energy at the store to make you little so we can play little kid stuff together. You need a lot of energy to get small again."

----

"Mommy, mosquitos like you. You are a sweet girl and I am a sweet boy. Maybe we should get yucky so they stay away from our blood."

----

"Mommy, when I was in your uterus, I was dreaming in there."

----

"When I was a baby, I didn't like barfing my milk. It made me stinky."

----

"Before we lived in a house, we lived in an apartment. We paid forty four dollars....(hands up and waving)...FORTY FOUR DOLLARS!!!"

Streets of an Old Town

I go back unwillingly
To the streets of an old town
Dilapitated buildings
More abandoned than inhabited
The cobblestones in disarray
Long tufts of languishing grass
Struggling for sustenance
Old memories hang in the air
Like stale cooked fish and onions
The faces are long and expectation gone
So many have died from foggy rocks
Haggling gone wrong ending in blood spatter
Thieving and lying more prevalent
Than truth, honesty and happiness.

I go home to the streets of an old town
No longer employing thousands
To haul coal on the rail lines
The wetlands being shaved down
For new strip mall next to strip mall
To employ the customers
Who employ other customers
All going to the same stores and restaurants
Of different names.

On the streets of this old town
My young memories walk to school
And in my nightmares I cannot find it
I walk more in the streets of this old town
Looking for my future self
Begging her not to bring me back here
But she still does.