I scour the past
Until the walls
Of my brain
Are left pocked
And bloodied
Why must I continue
In this manner
Instead of building up
And out
I dig through the marrow
Weakening the joists
Of yesteryear
Dredging all
So that I may
Rewrite everything
To suit my sorrow
Arranging the relics
In perfect lines
Recounting recounting
Recounting recounting
I must understand
Why this happened
Why that happened
This way
That way
Instead of the other
If only I had crushed
The butterfly differently
Entered the future
A second sooner
A minute later
What then
What could I have seen
Who would I have not missed
How long
Must I agonize
What is it that hooks
Onto the past
That guts me
So that my arms
Only open briefly
To encounter
That which is relief
From over analyzing
From a better tomorrow
From being fully present
My head is not in the clouds
My feet are not on Earth
I hover in neither place
Seeing for miles around
Not quite understanding
Any of it.
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2 comments:
We are where we are supposed to be. Have experienced what we have for a reason. to learn. to keep learning.
I too live very much in the past. As painful as the present can be, and as hopeful as I am for the future, I am still evolving. Every moment of the past preparing me for how I react in the present and future moments. Something inside ever aching, ever yearning for all the "what if's", but then something else knowing that there is so much more to all of this than those moments that I've been clinging to..
"If only I had crushed
the butterfly differently"
Brilliant. All of these words amazing, this line really tugged at my heart....
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